Vibe Check Practice

With people being increasingly stressed about work and school, along with the added pressures of global situations such as wars and political unrest, there has been a growing awareness of the importance of mental health. You might also have seen lots of posts on social media about positivity. But, is positivity really the answer to all the problems or challenges we might be facing?

Many people promote the sunny disposition on life; for instance, you might be having a bad day at work where you have your nit-picky boss picking on every little detail about your report, but you try to focus on the small positive aspect, where your boss said this “at least you completed it on time” and this is the only 1 positive thing you felt that could amplify and cover all the previous comments he/she made. However, according to an article by Samara Quintero and Jamie Long, it is also possible to overdose on the sickeningly sweet nectar of platitudes such as “everything is awesome!”

What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is an obsession with positive thinking. It is the belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly tragic (Medical New Today, 2021). Research have shown the many benefits of positive thinking when met with a problem. Toxic positivity on the contrast, demands positivity from people regardless of the challenges they are facing, which could potentially silence emotions and deter them from seeking social support.

It also results in the denial, minimisation, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience. By disallowing the existence of certain feelings, we fall into a state of denial and repressed emotions. 

We are humans, and we are flawed. It is okay to feel greedy, jealous, angry and resentful. By pretending that we are having positive vibes all day deny the validity of a genuine human experience.

Examples of Toxic Positivity

• Telling someone to focus on the positive aspects of a devastating loss
• Labelling people who always appear positive or do not share their emotions as being stronger or more likable than others
• Asserting after a catastrophe that “everything happens for a reason”
• Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity
• Feeling guilty for feeling what you feel
• Masking your true feeling
• Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes or statements
• Trying to give someone perspective (e.g., “it could be worse”) instead of validating their emotional experience

Why is toxic positivity bad?

Shame

Well, by the term toxic, it highlights how “bad” it is. It can bring about shame where someone does not want others to know what they are struggling with.

Suppressed Emotions

Many psychological studies have also highlighted that hiding or denying feelings leads to more stress on the body. By using words to describe how we feel, and facial expressions to emote helps us regulate our stress response. When we do not want to show a part of ourselves to the world, we tend to hide and create a fake face or persona, looking smiley and saying things like “everything happens for a reason – it is what it is”. However, when we go into hiding, we deny our truth. The real truth is, life can hurt sometimes. When we are angry and these emotions and feelings aren’t acknowledged, it gets buried deep in our body. These suppressed emotions can later manifest into depression, anxiety, or even physical illnesses.

Therefore, it is important to acknowledge and accept what we are feeling, identify our emotions, verbalise and move it out of our body. This is what keeps us sane, healthy, and relieves the tension of us trying to suppress the truth.

By honouring our feelings, we embrace all of ourselves; the good and the bad. Accepting ourselves is the path to a robust life.

Isolation

By hiding our true feelings/ emotions, we are leading a life that is inauthentic. We are not being true to our self and the world and gradually we might lose the connection with ourselves and it would be difficult for others to relate and connect with us.

The relationship with yourself is a reflection of the relationship you have with others. Therefore, if you can’t be honest about your own feelings, how will you ever be able to hold space for someone else expressing real feelings in your presence? By curating a fake emotional world, we attract more fakeness resulting in counterfeit intimacy and superficial friendships (Quintero & Long, 2019).

Acceptance

Although positive thinking have some benefits, no one can think positively all the time. Forcing yourself or others to think positively all the time can only cause suppressed emotions, stifle your ability to communicate with others and make you/ others to feel bad about having negative thoughts.

Try this:

• Encourage others / even yourself to speak openly about your emotions
• Avoid trying to have a positive response to everything a person says
• Set healthy boundaries with anyone who passes judgment on your authentic experience and speak your truth.

Accepting emotions is not resigning to pain. It does not mean that we are pushing ourselves to experience these negative emotions. Acceptance is the act of putting down your weapons and walking away from the fight. You are not resigning yourself to be beaten up by your emotions; you are simply letting go of the struggle (Salters, 2021).

It is okay to feel bad. It is normal to feel anger / anxiety / sadness. We are humans, we are not perfect. Accepting our emotions and how we feel, also means that we are accepting emotions can change. When we are happy, we have to accept happiness is a short-term condition; likewise when we are angry/ sad or other kinds of negative emotions, the feelings are fleeting and will go away within seconds, minutes or hours.

I have to confess, it is not easy to accept emotions because they often do not feel good and our natural instincts tells us to avoid them. However, with persistent practice, we can learn to be more accepting of our emotions. Mindfulness, the practice of being aware of both your internal and external experiences, can be tremendously useful as you are learning how to accept your emotions. Personally, I have tried headspace which is available on Spotify and it has short mindfulness podcasts that takes less than 5 minutes a day.

May I accept myself as I am today. May I learn to love and accept myself unconditionally. I’m here. I’m home.

Laurasia Mattingly

Corlissa Seah, Counsellor & Founder of Vibe Check Practice
Providing online therapy to support mental health and well-being

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