Colleague: Hey, can you help me to do up the PPT for the meeting tomorrow? I can’t stay to finish it due to family commitments. You are doing great, will you help me this time?
Salesperson: I think this hair package would really benefit you. Although you are only here for a haircut, I think a wash and treatment is really worth it. It costs $250 and will make you look really good. Care to sign up?
Do you struggle to say no when met with requests by others?
According to Cain (2012), there are 3 motives that push us to say yes when we really don’t want to. These motives are guilt, fear, and survival.
Guilt
If I do not say yes to the request, others might think that I am being selfish or stingy. That would make me feel super ashamed.
Fear
The fear to be outcasted by others… Hence, I would prefer for others to see me as someone who is nice and helpful. Others would detest me and shun me next time.
But, is this rational fear? Did something bad happened when you rejected others in the past? How did the person react?
Survival
As many sayings and quotes go: we should seize opportunities when it knocks on our door. Is this the opportunity? Am I letting these opportunities slip away if I say no?
How do you feel when you said YES when you actually want to say NO?
Have you heard of this? You could lie to anybody in the world. However, you cannot lie to yourself. If you start living in the denial zone, you would end up nothing but fooling yourself. Whenever you say yes but regret after doing so, you wind up being disappointed and unhappy as you are going against yourself. Here are some points to note:
Create your own healthy boundaries
I have my own personal commitments. If I have something scheduled and am not available to help, I would say no to requests.
If I am not comfortable with the request then let’s take a look at our boundaries again
You do not owe anything to anyone
You are not responsible for anyone’s reaction
It is better to feel uncomfortable temporarily rather than regret and resent for saying yes
How many of these excuses do you check?
People find me because they think I am the best person for the job
They know that I will agree
They don’t want to do work and know that I won’t report/ complain for throwing their work to me
Even if you check the above reasons, NONE of them require you to agree to the task! Saying NO is stressful and uncomfortable. Here are some approaches for saying no. Use them the next time someone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. As the saying go; things don’t change, YOU change! If you really want to get out of this trap, check out these tips on how to say NO guilt-free.
How to say NO
Be firm and clear; you don’t have to provide a reason for saying no.
Recognize that saying “No” can be stressful
Start by saying no to little things
The more you practice, the better you are equipped to deal with bigger propositions in life
Be polite and empathetic
“I understand that you need me to do it for you, but I am unavailable now.”
Offer solutions or be willing to compromise if necessary
“Do ring me up if you encounter any problems when doing the task, I can help you along the way.”
Don’t let the situation affect your self-esteem
You can disagree with people and still like them. Remember that others can disagree with you and still like you too.
Understand the reasons behind why you say yes when you want to say no, start eliminating those reasons
Cognitive distortions such as catastrophizing where our worries escalate quickly and thoughts become exaggerated – “Others would hate me for not helping”
Take pride in your willingness to stick up for your values
I hope that these tips that I consolidated would be able to help you build confidence when turning down requests by others. Changing something you have been doing for quite some time is not an easy journey. Remember, you are not alone. Many others are also facing the same challenge!
Remember: Saying “no” to whatever others ask of you is important. It allows you to say “yes” to what you truly want to commit yourself to.
Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
Abraham Lincoln
Corlissa Seah, Counsellor & Founder of Vibe Check Practice Providing online therapy to support mental health and well-being
Vibe Check Practice 
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