Vibe Check Practice

There is always a Yin and Yang to everything. Excelling in work is seen as being a good worker, doing terribly for a test means you are someone who is lazy. Sadly, these is how the world sets the stage on how we should perform for certain tasks. Is there a middle ground to everything? Personally, I feel there is, but it lies in yourself, we would need to find that balance ourselves. The important question in this post is: What do you see in yourself?

More often than not, we are always (consciously or unconsciously) trying to live to the society’s expectations, norms and just trying our best to fit in. For slightly more sensitive people like myself, a  gaze from someone and it can set our minds into a frantic chase –  oh no, did I do something that is unlikeable? Should I have done it another way instead? Those are expectations of others, but what kind of expectations are we setting for ourselves? Is there even one?

Since young we have been taught to practice compassion.

• Be kind and gentle to others
• Say encouraging words to others
• Offer help

But are we doing the same things for ourselves?

Compassion vs Self-Compassion

Compassion

We usually practice compassion to others when we see then struggling/ suffering. If you ignore an old lady who looks to be carrying bags of heavy items, you won’t be able to feel compassion for how difficult her experience is.

The latin word for compassion is pati which means to suffer, and the prefix com- means with. So compassion literally means to suffer with.

Compassion is also our hearts feeling moved when we see someone suffering and hence, we feel compassion towards them and we offer kindness and understanding to them.

Lastly, compassion for others means that we realize that the failure and imperfections are part of the shared human experience.

Self-Compassion

According to Dr Neff, Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. How can we comfort and care for ourselves in this moment?

Most importantly, having compassion for ourselves simply means that we honor and accept our humanness. There is no surety in life, uncertainties are bound to be there, just like no one expected COVID to drag for almost 2 years. We will make mistakes, we will try to stretch our limits and fall short of our ideals. This is shared among us humans and the more we open our heart to this reality instead of fighting against it, the more we will be able to feel compassion for ourselves.

Dr Neff also mentioned the 3 elements of Self-Compassion:

1. Self-kindness vs Self judgement
2. Common humanity vs Isolation
3. Mindfulness vs Over-identification

I like how she defined mindfulness, where it reminds us that being mindful also means not to overidentify with or exaggerate our feelings. Because when we do so, we get caught up and swept away by negativity.

Practicing Self-Compassion

Here are some things you can do when you are suffering:

1. Ask yourself: How would you treat a friend?
2. Exploring self-compassion through writing (write a letter to yourself)
3. Change your critical self-talk
4. Self-compassion journal
5. Identify what you really want – reframe your inner dialogue so that it is more encouraging and supportive

Remember you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.

Louise L. Hay

Take care and show yourself some love!

Corlissa Seah, Counsellor & Founder of Vibe Check Practice
Providing online therapy to support mental health and well-being

Book an appointment with us using this link!